frustrated

It would be great if life did not get in the way of working out. It would also be great if working out didn't get in the way of life. I am feeling very anxious today because I am not sure if I am going to get a workout in. Add that to the fact that I only did about 2 and 1/2 hours yesterday and hardly anything last week because of a migraine...I may go completely insane today. Of course my car has to shit itself on the weekend when repair shops are not open and I had to buy a car that has to go to specific repair shops that are 15 miles away so they are hard to get to. I feel very trapped when I don't have the option of getting in the car and driving somewhere...most of the time all I want to do is lay on the couch and rest but now that I have to stick around here all I want to do is run away and do something.

The "positive" side to all of this is that it is a forced rest from the crazy workouts. Thinking rationally I realize that my body needs a rest. Three straight weeks of 30+ hours of exercise may not be the best thing for me and I have to rest sometime. However, rational thought when it comes to exercise is not my strong point so this is little comfort to me. So...the plan is to get the car fixed asap and be back in the gym tomorrow and long workouts for the rest of the week to hopefully get back to the 30 hour mark by the end of the week.

I sometimes wonder when I will have to stop all of this. This can't go on forever. Either my body is going to wear out or someone is going to realize that I am completely f-ing insane and force me to stop. I am guessing it will be the second option. I am so caught up in the crazy that I will go back for more even if I injure myself or get sick or whatever the case may be. I will give myself the minimum amount of rest and then get back to it.

People ask me sometimes why I work out so much. The easy answers that people accept the best that are technically true are that I am training for long races and that it is fun for me. Both are true in a sense but that might only be because I have tried to convince myself that I am not crazy. The truer answer is that I don't like myself very much and a good, long, punishing workout makes me feel better. It also quiets my brain and makes it slow down a little bit. Obviously I can't tell anyone else that...have to hide the crazy as best I can. I think that I hide the crazy pretty well most of the time but now I wonder...what do people think about me and my habits? It wouldn't change what I do but it would be very interesting to know.

Well, if I can't go to the gym today maybe the house will finally get clean.