Tired

I sometimes wish that I would reach a point where I am satisfied with myself and my efforts. I have worked out for over 30 hours for each of the last two weeks and am on track to hit that goal again this week...and I still manage to feel lazy. That is too much and I know it but I feel like I could be doing more. I feel like I should be challenging myself to do a new, higher goal. I realize that this is ridiculous and that I should probably be doing less exercise since it is all I think about. Every morning I think about skipping the gym and taking some time to rest and then I think about how I will feel if I actually do that. I know that I will be very angry with myself and wish that I had at least given it a try...so I go and end up doing even more that I had originally planned. So then I am happy for an hour or so because I am good and tired and my brain can slow down for a little while...and it starts over the next day. I start to think that if I could do more than I thought yesterday maybe I should be doing more every day. Maybe I am always underestimating what I can do and should be setting more ambitious goals. And then the tiny part of my brain that is still rational about all this tells me to stop...this is insane...and I tell it to shut up and I go to the gym anyway.

The last couple of weeks haven't been great. First I was sick and only did about ten hours then last week work kept getting in the way and I only did close to 27 hours. This week has had an ok start...I hate rest days but there's not much I can do about it when mom and dad are in town and the gym is closed. I was going to go for a quick run before anyone woke up...but Mom of course was up super early and I would have felt bad leaving her alone at my house with nothing to do. She needs to not comment on my weight. She always says that I look good...I've put on a little weight. I know that she thinks this is a compliment since I have always been very thin and people always tell me I need to gain weight. But that doesn't mean that I want to hear that I've gotten heavier, nevermind the fact that I have been at this same weight for a good six months. I'm not the most confident person ever so that just makes me feel like crap and like I need to be working a lot harder than I already am. Today is a new day and I had a good workout and am starting to feel much better. I know that her intentions are good and I just need to stop letting those kinds of things bother me.