ridiculous

How f-ed up does one's head have to be to go for a nice 10 mile run in the morning and then spend the rest of the day being angry for not doing more? I thought I could be happy if I could go for a run...yeah...not so much. I kept feeling like I needed to do more all day but chose not to. When did I become this crazy? Running used to be enough and I was so happy with a run in the morning and I had plenty of time for life. Now all I want to do is exercise and it's turning me even more anxious and anti-social than I already was. I am constantly comparing myself to other people and feeling like I can never be good enough at anything.

why?

Why does getting 30 hours of exercise in the week matter so much to me? Why am I disappointed in myself today for only doing 2 hours when I am exhausted and I still have another day this week to reach the 30 hour target? I know that I could have stayed longer. Maybe if I rest today then tomorrow will be better and I'll get the goal of at least 6 hours.

I'm just struggling a little right now with the question of why I am doing this. I do enjoy exercise but why do I have to do so much? It's the only thing I enjoy and really want to do. I would be very happy in life just working out and having a part time job and living by myself. I have always been aware that I am a bit crazy and different but I never imagined that I would be like this.

enough

I probably should not have done a 7 hour workout last week. Not only is that way too much for one day but the bigger reason for me is that it makes a 6 and 1/2 hour workout seem not good enough anymore. Yesterday I pushed myself to go longer even though I was feeling tired because I knew that I could do 7 hours and would have felt guilty for stopping at 6 and 1/2. Now today I may not have time to even do 5 hours and that's going to suck.

All I really want to do is lay here and sleep but I had so much rest last week that I feel the need to make up for it this week by kicking my ass every day that I can. I have done 9 and 1/2 hours so far this week and I would like to get 30. I have been considering setting a lower goal of 27 hours but I know that I will not be satisfied with less than 30 so I might as well just set that as my goal number. Although, really, what the hell is the difference? I know that I will not be happy with 30 at the end of the week. I did 31 a couple weeks ago so I should be able to do better than that...and I should add lifting weights onto that too...that is how my crazy brain thinks about exercise.

frustrated

It would be great if life did not get in the way of working out. It would also be great if working out didn't get in the way of life. I am feeling very anxious today because I am not sure if I am going to get a workout in. Add that to the fact that I only did about 2 and 1/2 hours yesterday and hardly anything last week because of a migraine...I may go completely insane today. Of course my car has to shit itself on the weekend when repair shops are not open and I had to buy a car that has to go to specific repair shops that are 15 miles away so they are hard to get to. I feel very trapped when I don't have the option of getting in the car and driving somewhere...most of the time all I want to do is lay on the couch and rest but now that I have to stick around here all I want to do is run away and do something.

The "positive" side to all of this is that it is a forced rest from the crazy workouts. Thinking rationally I realize that my body needs a rest. Three straight weeks of 30+ hours of exercise may not be the best thing for me and I have to rest sometime. However, rational thought when it comes to exercise is not my strong point so this is little comfort to me. So...the plan is to get the car fixed asap and be back in the gym tomorrow and long workouts for the rest of the week to hopefully get back to the 30 hour mark by the end of the week.

I sometimes wonder when I will have to stop all of this. This can't go on forever. Either my body is going to wear out or someone is going to realize that I am completely f-ing insane and force me to stop. I am guessing it will be the second option. I am so caught up in the crazy that I will go back for more even if I injure myself or get sick or whatever the case may be. I will give myself the minimum amount of rest and then get back to it.

People ask me sometimes why I work out so much. The easy answers that people accept the best that are technically true are that I am training for long races and that it is fun for me. Both are true in a sense but that might only be because I have tried to convince myself that I am not crazy. The truer answer is that I don't like myself very much and a good, long, punishing workout makes me feel better. It also quiets my brain and makes it slow down a little bit. Obviously I can't tell anyone else that...have to hide the crazy as best I can. I think that I hide the crazy pretty well most of the time but now I wonder...what do people think about me and my habits? It wouldn't change what I do but it would be very interesting to know.

Well, if I can't go to the gym today maybe the house will finally get clean.

7

Seven hours. That is how long I worked out yesterday. After 3 weeks of working out for 30 hours or more I finally will have to do less this week. Stupid work getting in the way. Although that's not really fair. I had to work during my normal workout time two days this week but I could easily have worked out for a bit after work and chose to go home and sleep and be lazy instead. Now the only way I will get to 30 hours this week is to do 7 hours each of the remaining days. I did it yesterday but it would be completely ridiculous and crazy to do 4 days in a row of that...one day is probably pretty crazy. I feel like I should take it easy today too because I think that I am going too far with this. Working out is all I think about and I get angry when anything gets in the way. I am too tired to get much work done or to really enjoy anything. I know that I can't keep this up forever and that I really probably shouldn't be doing so much at all but I don't want to stop either...I have known for a long time that I am pretty crazy but now I'm actually starting to feel it.

Tired

I sometimes wish that I would reach a point where I am satisfied with myself and my efforts. I have worked out for over 30 hours for each of the last two weeks and am on track to hit that goal again this week...and I still manage to feel lazy. That is too much and I know it but I feel like I could be doing more. I feel like I should be challenging myself to do a new, higher goal. I realize that this is ridiculous and that I should probably be doing less exercise since it is all I think about. Every morning I think about skipping the gym and taking some time to rest and then I think about how I will feel if I actually do that. I know that I will be very angry with myself and wish that I had at least given it a try...so I go and end up doing even more that I had originally planned. So then I am happy for an hour or so because I am good and tired and my brain can slow down for a little while...and it starts over the next day. I start to think that if I could do more than I thought yesterday maybe I should be doing more every day. Maybe I am always underestimating what I can do and should be setting more ambitious goals. And then the tiny part of my brain that is still rational about all this tells me to stop...this is insane...and I tell it to shut up and I go to the gym anyway.

The last couple of weeks haven't been great. First I was sick and only did about ten hours then last week work kept getting in the way and I only did close to 27 hours. This week has had an ok start...I hate rest days but there's not much I can do about it when mom and dad are in town and the gym is closed. I was going to go for a quick run before anyone woke up...but Mom of course was up super early and I would have felt bad leaving her alone at my house with nothing to do. She needs to not comment on my weight. She always says that I look good...I've put on a little weight. I know that she thinks this is a compliment since I have always been very thin and people always tell me I need to gain weight. But that doesn't mean that I want to hear that I've gotten heavier, nevermind the fact that I have been at this same weight for a good six months. I'm not the most confident person ever so that just makes me feel like crap and like I need to be working a lot harder than I already am. Today is a new day and I had a good workout and am starting to feel much better. I know that her intentions are good and I just need to stop letting those kinds of things bother me.